Parenting Your Teenager:

On the importance of fathers

   A bunch of years age, my wife was out of town on business for the weekend, and Jonathon, our then two year old son and I were at the house playing.  The phone rings, and it’s a friend of my wife. When she finds out that my wife is out of town and I’m home with Jonathon, she says “So you’re home babysitting.” My immediate response was, “No, I’m home being a father.”

   I’m sure my wife’s friend meant no harm. It’s just that I dislike the assumption that if a father is with his children without his wife, then he is baby sitting. Not so. He is being a father.

   It did get me thinking, however, about the role of fathers in our society.

   I suppose that I am one of the lucky ones. My dad was usually there, I always knew he cared about me. He was easy to please and I knew he was proud of me.

   I also know that there are a growing number of children who have never had, and may never have that experience.

   Here’s a frightening statistic - According to D. Blankenhorn, in the book “Fatherless America: Confronting Our Most Urgent Social Problem,” roughly 40% of American children will go to sleep tonight in homes in which their fathers do not live. Blankenhorn goes on to say that “never before in this country have so many children been voluntarily abandoned by their fathers.”

   That’s a strong term, voluntarily abandoned. It conjures up, at worst, pictures of biological fathers that take absolutely no responsibility for a child or may not even know one exists, to at best, fathers that leave a family through disappearing, divorce, or some other type of abandonment.

   But what about the type of father who is “there but not there?” In other words, they may be physically present, but not there in an emotional, supportive sense.

   It’s my belief and experience that there are many more of the “there but not there” fathers than those that simply abandon their children.

   First the good news. There have been improvements over the last 30 years. According to Time magazine, the time fathers spend with their children increased by a third between the ‘60’s and the’80’s. In addition, according to Time,  in 1973 barely a quarter of fathers were present at the delivery of their children, while today over three quarters are there for the birth.

    Now the bad news. While we have made some significant progress, it’s not anywhere near enough. Here’s just a sample of the work that still needs to be done. Again, according to Time, fathers spend only about two fifths as much time with their children as mothers do, according to three independently conducted surveys.

    Now here’s the one that shocks me, and to which knowing mothers everywhere will nod their heads in disgust - researchers have found no single child rearing task for which fathers bear primary responsibility.

   To which I must ask the following question, “What the hell are we doing?”

    I hope you’ll forgive my strong language. It’s just that something is screamingly, horribly, terribly wrong here.

    At the same time, there is more good news. More and more parents and professionals are waking up to this alarming reality and are making exciting changes.

     One such  change is The DADS Family Project (Dads Actively Developing Stable Families)  developed by Tallahassee therapists Larry Barlow and Art Cleveland. According to Barlow and Cleveland, the program focuses on “understanding the fathering received by the men in the group. We identify how to establish a safe and secure home. Bonding skills feature play activities and communication training. Also featured are effective discipline techniques and stress management.”

    Barlow and Cleveland offer the following tips for fathers interested in fathering. I’ve added a few of my own as well.

- First, an attitude shift. Fathering is not a part-time job. It is full time, both in attitude and in hands on application.

- To paraphrase Margaret Mead, “the future of society rests on the learned nurturing behavior of it’s men.”

- Get involved with the nurturing of your children. This includes bathing, feeding, transportation, and all the events of their lives. These are not just mother activities, they are parenting activities. Remember, father is also a verb.

- Remember that fathering is a process not an event. A process requires time.

- Consider how you were fathered. What do you want to do differently and what do you want to do the same?

    If you are currently a father, then your challenge is to truly father your children, to be a father that is really there. If you are currently not a father, find a fatherless kid that you can be there for.

   There are people depending on you.