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"Adolescence, the final frontier. These
are the voyages of the Starship Family.
It's six year (sometimes longer) mission
- To guide what once was a loving child,
who is now mood-swings on legs, through
the perilous journey of the teenage
years and into young adulthood. Keeping
your sanity intact is optional."
Raising teenagers can be tough.
That's one of the first
things I say in my seminars for parents
of teenagers. Usually that will cause a
few people to have a look that says,
"And I paid this guy for that tremendous
insight?"
Here's what I mean
about what makes raising teenagers so
tough.
In my experience in
family and parent counseling, the
average 15 year old is 15 going on 25
and 15 going on 5, all at the same time.
While we are accustomed to hearing about
the 15 going on 25 part, we seldom
consider the 15 going on five part.
Here is what I believe
happens. The average teenager takes the
wisdom, intelligence and ability to
argue well and rationally and combines
it with the "I want what I want when I
want it which is NOW!" attitude of the
five year old and comes up with some
extremely powerful manipulation.
How did the teen
years become so difficult anyway?
Consider these quotes about the teenage
years -
"Why can't they be like
we were, perfect in every way? What's
the matter with kids today?" Lee
Adams, Bye Bye Birdie
"Everyone knows teenagers
are not fit for normal society." Nick
Nolte in Prince of Tides
"Parents are the bones on
which children sharpen their teeth."
Peter Ustinov, Dear Me
And my personal favorite
- "A few years ago adolescence was a
phase; then it became a profession; now
it is a nationality." Donal Barr, Who
Pushed Humpty Dumpty?
By now I suppose
almost everyone is familiar with the
term dysfunctional family. While it does
have it's place in our society, I'm not
convinced it's always useful. At best,
it's certainly over used. You can tell a
term is over used when the politicians
begin to use and when it becomes a skit
on Saturday Night Live.
While there are
such things as dysfunctional families,
most of the families I deal with are
simply stuck.
Here's what I mean by
stuck. Remember the last time you got
your car stuck in the mud or sand? If
you were lucky you were able to get
right out. If you are like most of us,
you get stuck, keep spinning your wheels
and dig deeper and deeper. Another
example is how we behave in foreign
countries. We'll ask someone, "Where is
the bathroom?" They answer, "No habla
ingles." To which we respond, "WHERE IS
THE BATHROOM?", as if saying it louder
and slower will make us understood. A
quick and easy way to understand the
meaning of stuck is through the
following saying, "You are stuck when
you keep doing the same things over and
over again and expect different
results."
I trust by now you
have gotten the point about being stuck.
Perhaps I am stuck on that term.
Families can get stuck on big or little
issues, and anything in between. In
order for them to get unstuck, they have
to do something different.
Families
have strength for change and growth
One of the reasons
I became a family therapist is because I
believe there is a great deal of power
within the family for change. Here are a
few ideas for families to get unstuck
and prevent getting stuck in the future.
- Be informed about the
world they live in. Do not make the
assumption that it is just like the
world you grew up in. It's not even
close! When I was in high school in the
mid-seventies, the worst thing we had to
worry about were pot, disco and the
occasional fist fight. Now kids have to
contend, on a daily basis, with drugs,
AIDS, violence, abuse, date rape, etc.
Get to know their world.
It's my personal
theory that if parents really knew what
was going on, there would be some kind
of revolution.
- To go along with the
first suggestion, the best thing I ever
heard from the anti-drug movement is
"get involved with drugs before your
kids do." Know what's out there.
- Stay informed. Read
books, go to seminars, talk teachers,
guidance counselors, other parents. It
was Erik Hoffer who said, "In times of
change, learners inherit the earth,
while the learned find themselves
wonderfully equipped to deal with a
world that no longer exists.
- Spend time with them.
I've said this before and I'll keep
saying it until it changes - the average
American family spends just fourteen and
a half minutes a day all together.
- Get to know their
friends. Then get to know the parents of
their friends. It takes time, but it's
very powerful and helpful.
- Do something different.
If what you have been doing is not
working, it could quite easily be time
for a change.
Lastly, remember to
pick your battles wisely. Every issue
doesn't have to be a battle between
parental control and teenage
independence.
Also remember that
the ultimate mission and goal is to get
them through this stage of life and
launch them into the world as well
functioning adults. Enjoy your journey.
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