"Don't know much about you

Don't know who you are

We've been doing fine without you

But we could only go so far

Don't know why you chose us

Were you watching from above?

Is there someone there that knows us

Said we'd give you all our love?"

                                                               Marc Cohn  1993

      Our  son in one year old. Our son. One year old. These are words that I'm still trying to get my head around. From the moment he poked his tiny head out in to the world at 4am one Sunday morning, I've been hopelessly and helplessly in love with this kid.

      The birth and delivery were rough, both mother and child were at risk. The most helpless feeling in the world is to see someone you love in pain and not being able to do a thing but be there and pray.

      Later that morning, after calling everyone I could think of, I watched the sun come up, and felt like my whole entire world had changed forever.

"I'll promise you anything if you'll just go to sleep"

                                                                                            Bruce Carroll, 1993

      Still feel that way. I have learned more in the last year about the depths of love that seem about to burst your heart, as well as how really well you can function on little or no sleep, for weeks at a time.

      Lots of questions arise - what will he be like? Are we doing this right?  This really lasts for 18 + years? Tell me again why we wanted to do this?  Will he ever sleep through the night?

4AM on another morning

      Not too long ago, our son was cutting teeth and not sleeping through the night again. Early one morning  he woke up yelling at 4 am.

First step - pick him up and rock him back to sleep. Nope, not this time.

Second step - give him a bottle. Nope, not working either. 

Third step - take him for a drive. The only problem was I had just a t-shirt and underwear on, and both my pants and wallet were back in our bedroom. If I've learned anything in the past year, it's two things,

1) you never wake a sleeping baby, and

2) you never ever wake a sleeping mother!

   So in my 4am logic, I decided no one was going to see me, and we went for the drive.

   This time the reliable-works-every-time car ride didn't work.  And, as you might have guessed by now, I got pulled over for speeding.

    As I was pulling over I assessed the situation - it's 4:30am, I've got a screaming kid, no wallet, my wife's purse on the front seat, and no pants - and decided that I was so in jail.

      The following conversation took place -

Me: "Officer, I'm sorry, I'm just trying to get my kid to sleep."

Officer: "At 60 mph on Capital Circle? Can I see your license and registration please?"

Me: "Well officer, we've got a problem, my license is about a mile around the corner from here and I'll be glad to get it for you."

Officer: "No it's too late for that."

He proceeded to write down all the vital info to go and check me out. Then came the question I was dreading -

Officer: "Would you step out of the car please, sir?"

Me: "Well, officer, (while looking down at my bare legs), we've got another problem."

Officer: (Looking at me with a look that said he didn't know if he had a father or a pervert on his hands) "Are you telling me you're naked?"

Me: "No officer, I have on underwear, I'll be glad to show you if you want, I was just trying to get my kid asleep."

   With a disgusted look, he walks back to his car, calls me in on the radio. Meanwhile I'm sitting there thinking that my wife is home asleep and has no idea what is happening with her son and husband.

       Apparently  the officer discovered I'm one of the good guys because he comes back to the car and tells me that all he is going to do is ticket me for driving without proof of license.

The conversation ended with -

Officer: "And next time, sir, I suggest you wear your pants."

Me: "Thank you, officer, I'll remember that."

"You may not always be so grateful

For the way that you were made

Some feature of your father's

That you'd gladly sell or trade

And one day you may look at us

And say that you were cursed

But over time that line has been

Extremely well rehearsed

                                                     Marc Cohn 1993

      It's really hard to imagine that  this little guy who looks at me so lovingly now will be a teenager someday who thinks I'm an idiot. And with all the teens and families I've worked with over the years who might be watching,  we'll probably just move out of town.

      If parenthood is anything like being married, a lot of my professional clinical knowledge will go out the window when it comes to my own life. I guess we'll just do the very best we can, just like all the other families I've known through the years. 

      Happy birthday, son. I love you very much.